I often laughed at my friends who said to be really in love with someone and often did the things that I consider so strange. They often shared to me their feelings of love and the longing to spend their life with the one to whom they loved the most. For me, it was the biggest joke that can be told to have fun in the moment of sharing.
It is true that I have been in love several times in my high school years but those were not a big deal for me. Those experiences of loving a girl were just the colors of life that can be erased easily. At a certain moment I really felt in love to one nice girl and the next time around my feeling of love was gone. Nothing really took my energy. I often wandered why several of my friends have to do some foolish things just because they deeply in love with someone. What does it mean to be deeply in love? How does it affects my life? Those were the questions I raised upon looking at my friends who began to change when they were really in love. As the time goes, I cease to ask those questions anymore.
The moment came....during the time when I did not bother anymore to ask questions about love.....slowly I am in the sphere where every energy directs toward someone to whom I feel connected, where the dominant image in my mind is hers, where every fantasy goes toward her, where the only thing that matters is her, it is always her and her everywhere....
In the beginning was just simple, heartbits were absent and she was just like the other girl, there is nothing that impressed me. Slowly I begin to be drawn into her space and she began to be the one that dominates my mind. Every move, every word, and every look she offered me adds special joy that no other girl is capable of giving birth to those sentiments in me.
She committed many mistakes, she did not fulfill the promise she made, she used to say I would do this for you but many times those were just her flattering words....I was aware of those bad things of her but I hardly let her go. I accept her always and always eventhough the negative things were piled up. She was the only thing that matters the most for me and she is so precious that she occupied all the space in my heart, in my mind and in my wholeself.
I had always the longing to live together with her to feel the beauty of being next to the one that I love the most, the one that fills up every thing I desire, everything that I want to see in a girl. Sometimes crazy behaviors I did. The protagonist of my dreams was always her. I wish she could be disappeared from me but I could not find any possible solution. She is already part of me.
Now she is gone from any possibility of staying together. She flies where she feels better and safe. She has her own journey with someone she loved the most. When I spent some moments with her I wanted to see her always happy. It has been also my wish that she finds her happiness. It is now the fact that her happiness lies somewhere else far from me. It is hard to let her go and to accept the fact that she is not meant to be with me. She is gone with the wind that carries her to her preferred place. I stay here pondering at what I have been through with her. I cherish the beautiful moments we have spent together, nodding my head to the foolishness I accomplished, wishing her all the best and hoping that I can come out from this chain of love that takes a lot of my energy.
I come to realize that love is not a game. It comes to you, penetrates into the deepest of your heart and it can change you. You cannot joke with love for love is something real that cannot be erased easily. It is there and it takes its own course.
Perhaps the most painful thing in loving is that you really love someone and that someone doesn't love the way you do. You love him/her deeply but he/she loves someone else. In loving, you always wants to see the person you love look happy. Often the one we love finds his/her happiness in someone else and the only thing that we can do is to let him/her go where his/her heart leads. Love is not selfish, love is letting him/her to be in the place where he is convinced of living it.
There she goes leaving me the footprints that can never be erased. I would call this love “Unfortunate love journey”, a journey of love that doesn't end in living together but letting each other go if he/she find her true love in someone else. It is not the separation that I cry for but it is the fact of meeting her I am upset of.
Unfortunate love,
Slowly fills the empty space in the heart
covers every single longing
Only to satisfy in the certain moment
Then carried away to its proper nest
Away, away....
Only the footprints unbrokenly planted.
